So much has happened it seems since my last post, most of them not fun. I'm going to skip that though because I want to close that chapter, I don't need to think about it. I have come to realize ever since I moved home, despite the hardships I've had over the last 9 months that life is a road and there are bound to be potholes, I guess I tried to swerve around the potholes and flew into the ditch for a while because I really struggled with just about everything. The beginning of June was seriously the lowest point in my life I feel like so much happened to stop me from getting back to my feet and even though I was already down I just kept getting kicks to make it worse. I got to the point where I felt like nothing I did no matter what it was was good enough for anyone and didn't see the point in trying anymore. Why try when its never good enough?
I found myself with a lot of spare time, and I thought to myself, am I going to let the decision of others and what they think and say destroy me so completely that I just want to give up? There has to be one thing in this world that I know I can do well. Something that I don't need someone to say hey that looks good or good job. Something I knew I had to find within myself. Something I knew with 100% confidence that if I started, if I did it, if I put everything I had into it - it would be amazing. So using a home program I designed my own cross stitch, got the supplies for it and got started on it. I can honestly say I haven't been this excited about something for a very long time. And it worked, this is something I don't need someone to tell me I do well because my work speaks for itself. It is one of the most incredible things I've ever done and even though it is only halfway done I am so pleased with how it looks. What I hadn't expected was how it would help me deal with my depression. Not only did it give me something to look forward to doing, it let me release my frustration, hurt, anger, and every other negative feeling that has been building up and festering for months. And it feels so good to release that - as well as feeling good about myself again.
Thanks to that, and with the support of my amazing family I know I'm out of the ditch again. I find joy in little things again. I've been on a cooking spree, much to my brother in laws expense since he is my guinea pig for these new recipes since we work at the same place now. Poor guy. But he's been a good sport about it. I've tried several new things. I made my first ever cheesecake. And a new kind of pie. I made a pretzel chocolate cookie my mom loves and today I made candy cookies with some of my favorite candies.
I'm finding myself more at peace and relaxed than I have been for a while and I'm thankful for every day I have. I know I never would've gotten this far without my family, my amazing friends, especially Chantel and Sarah. They have been big lifelines for me always letting me vent when I needed to, hearing me out and supporting me. And I know that I could always pray when I needed that support as well. Talking to the Lord was better than talking to a therapist. I don't need some stranger telling me how screwed up in the head I am. Or pumping me full of drugs. I believe in that saying. When God closes a door somewhere he opens a window. I found my window. And I'm not outside anymore.
Party Animals - Wild hair, orange jello and a sleepover in the big bed at my house. We know how to party on New Years Eve. BTW, we didn't stay up until midnight.
4 years ago