Closed Doors and Open Windows

So much has happened it seems since my last post, most of them not fun. I'm going to skip that though because I want to close that chapter, I don't need to think about it. I have come to realize ever since I moved home, despite the hardships I've had over the last 9 months that life is a road and there are bound to be potholes, I guess I tried to swerve around the potholes and flew into the ditch for a while because I really struggled with just about everything. The beginning of June was seriously the lowest point in my life I feel like so much happened to stop me from getting back to my feet and even though I was already down I just kept getting kicks to make it worse. I got to the point where I felt like nothing I did no matter what it was was good enough for anyone and didn't see the point in trying anymore. Why try when its never good enough?

I found myself with a lot of spare time, and I thought to myself, am I going to let the decision of others and what they think and say destroy me so completely that I just want to give up? There has to be one thing in this world that I know I can do well. Something that I don't need someone to say hey that looks good or good job. Something I knew I had to find within myself. Something I knew with 100% confidence that if I started, if I did it, if I put everything I had into it - it would be amazing. So using a home program I designed my own cross stitch, got the supplies for it and got started on it. I can honestly say I haven't been this excited about something for a very long time. And it worked, this is something I don't need someone to tell me I do well because my work speaks for itself. It is one of the most incredible things I've ever done and even though it is only halfway done I am so pleased with how it looks. What I hadn't expected was how it would help me deal with my depression. Not only did it give me something to look forward to doing, it let me release my frustration, hurt, anger, and every other negative feeling that has been building up and festering for months. And it feels so good to release that - as well as feeling good about myself again.

Thanks to that, and with the support of my amazing family I know I'm out of the ditch again. I find joy in little things again. I've been on a cooking spree, much to my brother in laws expense since he is my guinea pig for these new recipes since we work at the same place now. Poor guy. But he's been a good sport about it. I've tried several new things. I made my first ever cheesecake. And a new kind of pie. I made a pretzel chocolate cookie my mom loves and today I made candy cookies with some of my favorite candies.

I'm finding myself more at peace and relaxed than I have been for a while and I'm thankful for every day I have. I know I never would've gotten this far without my family, my amazing friends, especially Chantel and Sarah. They have been big lifelines for me always letting me vent when I needed to, hearing me out and supporting me. And I know that I could always pray when I needed that support as well. Talking to the Lord was better than talking to a therapist. I don't need some stranger telling me how screwed up in the head I am. Or pumping me full of drugs. I believe in that saying. When God closes a door somewhere he opens a window. I found my window. And I'm not outside anymore.

Turning Point

Well I've been through a few rough patches over the last several months but I've had my good times too. December especially was a really rough month for me, it should have been good as my divorce was finalized and I got everything I wanted in my divorce. The judge pushed it faster for the emotional abuse and I have officially been divorced from Mike for a little over two months. Work was going well, at least so I thought, but on the last day before our Christmas break Joseph gave me a nasty shock telling me that he and Mindy had decided to let me go - but it was ok because he was giving me a Christmas bonus. I nodded my understanding, thanked him for the job, and left for the last time. I immediately called my old grooming teacher Crystal, who'd I'd already talked to about working over the Christmas break so I could earn a little extra money. She gave me a job, for which I was very grateful, so within five minutes of losing my job I had a new one. I went home but didn't keep it together long before I completely fell apart. Melinda, Brent and Molly were over for movie night but I just couldn't keep a happy face and retreated to my room after my mom had gotten me to confess what was wrong.

I could tell I was really worrying my mom over the next week or so, I didn't like to leave my room - and after a fight with my dad my mom found me determined to sleep in my car with the dogs and had to beg me to get me to go back in the house. I was starting to feel like I didn't belong anywhere and was once again seriously wondering what the point of trying was. Christmas had very little appeal for me and I wasn't looking forward to putting on a show for family and pretending I was happy when on the inside I felt like I was screaming.

I started my new job at Crystal's Dog Spa - now Crystal's Dog Spaw as she broke the business deal with her old partner and restarted the business on her own. I knew I had a lot to learn still, as did Crystal. I was terrified I was going to let my old grooming teacher down, I really didn't want to disappoint her and have her regret hiring me. And at first I was only working once or twice a week.

But after I'd been working there for a few weeks Crystal told me that she was going to move me up from back up groomer to her second groomer as I'd proved to be responsible, reliable, and dedicated. I've really liked working for Crystal - I've had my rough days, but I've continued to improve in my grooming and have gotten so many more compliments from both Crystal and her manager when she isn't there, Marci, that it has been a much more pleasant working enviornment for me. I feel like I am more appreciated where I am and I like that when I drive to work I don't have to keep driving around all day. Crystal also lets me take Jack and Priestly to work once a week so they can have a free bath. Jack loves going and playing with the toys in the playpen - but he's recently discovered that he's big enough he can jump out - so if I don't pick up the toy he drops for me he'll jump out and carry it over to me. Priestly loves going - until he realizes he's getting a bath. Then it isn't fun anymore. But I love taking them to work with me. Priestly just tends to sleep on Jack's back for most of the day - though he will bark at the dogs that come in.

One thing I really like about working for Crystal is she knows I'm doing my best - and with her tips and encouragment I've continued to improve. The other day I was halfway done on my last dog and Crystal had already finished - she left to ran a few errands then came back to see how I was doing and was very pleased with how my dog was looking. And yesterday the first teddy bear face I was doing on a dog who's owner had taken a pair of scissors too and made it look awful Marci told me it looked very cute and I'd done it all by myself. I can't say how satisfying it is to know that my work is improving. And I really enjoy working with Crystal again - we can laugh and joke and have a good time at work and sometimes if we are hungry when we are done at the same time we go out for dinner. I have been very blessed to have Crystal as a friend and teacher. She's been very good to me.

I am also very grateful for my parents who've been supportive and have helped me out more than I can even say over the past few months, helping me through the dark pit of depression I've fallen into. I still have my rough days, but I've reached a turning point. I'm getting there. I'm slowly crawling out and I know I'll get there.