The New Me

I have to say it has been a long time since I have posted anything here. But what would I have really said about myself? I work, go to school, eat and sleep? Because that is basically all I was doing. I was working very hard to try and ensure that I'd have a job after I lost my job at the post office because one thing was certain I was going to lose my job. So I was going to school to learn how to be a dog groomer and I discovered I really loved grooming dogs. I found my dream job. Working with dogs all day without the horrors of seeing them torn open by a car or skateboard. For our final dog we had to do a Schnauzer and I was so terrified since I'd only done the cut once but the dog I groomed was named Teddy and she was such a sweetie that it made it much easier. And on my final written I scored 50/50 so passed my course and I am so glad I decided to take the risk and do it because I found something I love and something that'll give me job security for the rest of my life. As a graduation present Crystal (My grooming teacher) got specialized cupcakes made for me and my fellow student Kelly it was so fun. I still keep in contact with Crystal and we hope to get together sometime soon to catch up with everything.

Shortly after I graduated Mike had a stroke because he decided he could stop taking his blood thinner and I was stressed out of my mind because at the time I had no job, very little money, Mike was barely working, and we had no insurance. I wasn't sure how we were going to pay the hospital bill and no matter how hard I prayed it just seemed like hit after hit kept coming. I kept faith though that the Lord would help if I kept my faith in him.

Mike spent four days in the hospital and when he came home my dad, sister and brother-in-law Brent came over to give Mike a blessing. I spent the next three days catering to every one of Mike's wishes, making sure he was well cared for but realized quickly that he didn't appreciate anything I was doing. He started saying very rude things, demanding without being appreciative, and if I didn't do something fast enough he'd throw a temper tantrum or call his mom to tattle on me. After he fell asleep I'd have my cry so he wouldn't hear me and I prayed that the Lord would just let me die because I didn't feel like my life was worth living anymore. I felt trapped in a horrible relationship where my husband didn't appreciate anything I did, where he was always beating me down until I felt smaller than an ant, and nothing I did was good enough. I was so tired of carrying all the financial burdens and all the house work as well. I told the Lord that I needed help, that I couldn't do this on my own, that it felt like I was carrying too much and I'd break under the weight. And then I remembered one of my favorite poems in the whole wide world. "Footprints in the Sand." The very last line gave me comfort. "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you." I know that the Lord has been carrying me and helping me through the rough times. So I thanked him for the strength he has given me and prayed hard about what I should do and to please help me get a job.

The next day I was sending out applications and cover letters again, something I'd been doing for almost a month with no luck. I saw a dog grooming position available for K-9 Mobile Grooming so I sent my cover letter and resume. Twenty minutes later I got a call from Mindy. She gave me an over the phone interview and wanted me to come down and go on a trial grooming with her. So that Monday I went down and went grooming with her, she hired me that afternoon. I was so grateful. Not only did I get a job in the field I went to school for but it also would allow me to make more than double what I was making at the post office.

Mike called to see if I got the job and when I told him I did I could just hear him relax over the phone because he knew the financial responsibility of the family was once again off his shoulders and it made me realize something. He was never going to change. He is always going to sit back and let me take care of everything because he knows I will. His house will get cleaned, the bills will be paid, and his meals will be cooked because I take care of everything. Because of all the stress I've been under my body broke out into hives, when I told Mike he laughed, and my hives spread covering most of my body. I knew then what I had to do, my own health was in danger because of the stress and it wasn't handling it well, between the hives and my high blood pressure I knew if I kept this up the stress would end up killing me.

So I finally got up the courage and told Mike what I've been feeling for a very long time now and then told him I want a divorce. After that I packed up my backpack, grabbed Priestly and we went down to my parents. And I have to say this week has been the happiest I've been in almost two years. My stress levels have come down considerably. My blood pressure is getting under control again and over the past couple days my hives have really started to fade. I find I'm not so tense and because of that I'm more pleasant to be around. I've done things I've found enjoyable and I've found my love for life again. I told Mike he has three weeks to pack up and get out otherwise I'd take my name off the lease and he could handle paying the rent, the power, utilities, and gas bills by himself. I've been paying for everything and I'm not going to pay for it if I'm not living there. I talked to a long time family friend Sue and she said I could move in with her for less than half of what I'm paying now and that I'd be able to take Priestly with me. I have my whole family behind me to back me up and support me in this decision, and my friends are so relieved because from what they've seen and what I've told them they haven't liked how Mike has treated me.

He has beaten me down emotionally time and time again and I really had to step back and take a look at my life and realize that this isn't what I wanted. So I plan on getting my car paid off, and save up for a place of my own. Hopefully somewhere closer to work so I don't have a 40 minute drive to Orem every day. But I know that this decision is the best one I've made in over two years and it makes me so happy. I'm going to think of what I need first for a change since I haven't done that in two years. With Sue I'll still feel independent but I'll have a friend to live with who loves and cares about me but won't care if I feel like cooking dinner, who won't care if I want to go to my room and read. I have many amazing people in my life, my friends and my family, and I am so grateful for each and every one of them. They held me while I've cried, they've listened to what I've been through, and they've understood and respected my decision as well as supported me. I know with my family behind me I can get through anything. As hard as this will be I know it will be worth it. I'll be a much happier, much less stressed, much wiser, and more appreciative person. I'll be a new me and I'll be much better for it.